Navigating People’s Questions/Comments/Opinions of Your Struggles and Choices

I remember talking with a friend struggling with more recent health issues about navigating people out in the world, their questions, their reactions and their opinions. As we were talking and she was sharing her frustrations, bad experiences and the reality of how it had gone versus how she imagined it was going to go, I realized what an opportunity it was to give her support because it was really draining her. Whether I am at work, out with friends, or around family, I have these same types of interactions all the time and I also used to have a lot of bad experiences that really weighed me down (like any of us need more negativity with our struggles!) until I learned how to navigate them in a more positive way. Now I feel confident directing the conversations, managing people’s questions/comments and being in control of how I feel leaving the conversation. I think, while this topic definitely applies to people living with chronic conditions, it also very much applies to people making visible, healthy changes in their lives too. Here we go!

Okay, so you have your diagnoses (or are working on it but you know something is wrong) and you have started making some life style changes (BIG round of applause!) and people are starting to notice. Let’s start with the positive option, people around you see these changes and make affirming comments, tell you how awesome that is and ask for tips. Everything is great, proceed towards Go (with caution, but more on that in a minute). However, more often than not, this is not how it goes. Why humans do this to each other I will never understand, but they do and so we prepare. They start making comments about your changes in a negative way, “All you eat is healthy stuff now, are you just too good for normal food?”, “Oh your gluten free? Is that a choice? Do you just want to lose weight?”, “Oh you’re hoping on the diet trend too? Good luck with that.”, “I don’t care if you can’t eat here, it’s just a choice you’re making and it makes my life hard so figure it out.” Yes, people can suck, say mean things and be very judge-y. The wealth of, and access to, knowledge on the internet has given an entire population infinite knowledge with no idea of how to educate themselves on reliability of information and sources, accountability of having information, and how to learn information from multiple points of view to have genuinely well-rounded opinions. Opinions are great, but they are also just opinions, and people often don’t separate opinions from facts before speaking.

If you are like me, and like my friend mentioned above, our natural instinct is to explain ourselves. We want people to understand us, empathize with our situation, and respond in a positive way. I would start explaining my health issues and the struggles I’ve had and how I had to make this change and what happens when I don’t, expecting people to care, and then they wouldn’t. They would say insensitive comments, they would ask very personal questions (which I would then try to answer) and later use that information against me, and they would tell me things about how they knew a person who had a thing and did a thing and were cured and give me “advice” for my medical conditions that they knew nothing about. I would walk away from these conversations frustrated, embarrassed, worried, sad and with more anxiety about my health than I had before. That is not okay, but it’s only human to feel all these feelings when you share personal information in an unsafe environment.

Throughout the years I have gotten much, much better at these conversations and I can separate the things that usually come up in to two categories: my specific health issues and my eating habits. And then there is my self-management of how I feel about the conversation.

Let’s start with talking to people about my specific health conditions. Despite my wanting to share and educate people, this is very personal information. People can (and have) used this against me in my job, they have explained my conditions to me, they have told me I look fine so I am fine, etc. My advice is to guard this information close to you. The mistake I, and so many others make, is mistaking curiosity for compassion. Just because someone WANTS to know something, does not entitle them to that information (as much as they might think it does). People are naturally going to be curious when they find out something is wrong (especially if you don’t look like it from the outside) but there is a spectrum everyone fall on, and the coordinating response they get. Before I go into that, remember you don’t have to say ANYTHING if you don’t want to, but these are my responses when I do share. If you are an acquaintance/distant co-worker/friend of a friend/ untrusted family member you are going to get something along the lines of, “I have several health issues all related to auto-immune issues, but it’s complicated to explain.” These people don’t actually want to know more. This is enough to satisfy their curiosity, make them feel like they know everything they want to know, but doesn’t actually give them anything to use against you. I have found including the “it’s complicated to explain” part really shuts them down because that’s a road they don’t actually care enough to travel down. End of conversation! If you are a close, trusted friend/co-worker/ family member or someone who has confided in me health struggles of your own, I will explain that I have POTS, a type of Dysautonomia. Depending on how the conversation goes I might explain some of the off-shoot conditions I have and the problems they give me. I only give this information to people who I know are going to be careful with it. These people are the ones that want to know more because they care about me, they worry about my well-being and they want to help me. I also share this information with people who feel comfortable telling me about their own health struggles because I want them to know they have someone who can truly relate to their journey. This is unfortunately trial and error, and sometimes you have to feel out the person and the conversation and offer little pieces instead of the whole chunk. Give yourself (and others) grace when learning how to give and receive information like this.

The other piece (and much more obvious piece) is my eating habits. It does not take being around me for very long to learn that I eat much healthier and more restricted than the average person. People who I don’t know well, and who don’t know me well, usually comment on this and ask if I am on a diet, or if this is something I am choosing to do (because somehow it matters to them if this was a choice or health requirement), and they talk about how they could never eat like that because such and such reason and sometimes try to convince me to eat something I have already turned down (like sweets in the breakroom). I think most of this is a reflection of their own insecurities. Maybe wishing they could eat healthier, or turn down a sweet, or stick to a diet consistently. But that is on them and not something you need to take on. If someone I don’t know and/or trust comments on my foods I usually just say “I just feel better when I eat this way,” or “If it were up to me I would eat all the foods but unfortunately my body doesn’t tolerate them”. The “It’s pretty complicated to explain,” excuse also works really well because, again, they don’t actually care, they just need self-validation, an excuse for whatever insecurity they are feeling, or a blanket statement to satisfy their curiosity. The people that I do trust, or the people asking for help with their own food struggles, get more details of my issues, struggles and brands that I love (depending on how they conversation goes) and usually they are very supportive, understanding and proud of me for what I have accomplished and for putting my health first.

This next little piece is much easier once you have learned how to separate people into the trusted and untrusted categories (and sometimes people move between them). How you feel about how others feel about your information is up to YOU. Do not expect people to give you reassurances, support and confidence in your decisions because it is not their job. It is really nice when they do, but at the end of the day it is up to YOU to control your feelings about the choices you have made. I think being very careful about what information you give to what people helps so much, because it will eliminate a lot of the bad responses off the top, but it won’t eliminate them entirely. I still have people close to me make comments about how I am too restricted (when I have made very conscious, medically supported decisions about my food), about how I should just do “X” workout because it will be fine (when I know it is not a good form of exercise for me), about how I really need to this one specific thing for my health (when I have a plan in place with my doctor already that does not include that). I either have to learn to brush these comments off, learn how to politely educate people to mind their own business about my life, or remember that, while that comment wasn’t what I needed to hear in that moment, it was said by someone with good intentions, and who cares about me, and I have to remember their intentions more than their words.

Thank you for sticking with me! I know that was long, but also, this is just so important, and such a foundational thing to take with you when entering the world with your personal battles and self-improvements. What you do, what you say, what you share, how you react, and what you feel, it can only be up to you and no one else. I hope this gives you the confidence to protect the parts of you that need protecting, and share the things you want people to know!